Queer Eye For the Fibbie Guy
by scullyseviltwin
Summary: The Fab 5 meet the newest straight guy: Fox William Mulder.
1. Queer Eye For the Fibbie Guy

Title: Queer Eye For the Fibbie Guy  
  
Author: ScullyAsTrinity AKA Barenaked Bostonian  
  
Rating: R, for language and jokes.  
  
Category: Humor, crossover  
  
Summary: The Fab 5 meet the newest straight guy: Fox William Mulder.  
  
---  
  
"If you're in the D.C. metro area and think that the Fab 5 can help you..."  
  
Scully's ears perked up when she heard what the television was announcing. The program was going on tour? This was positively amazing! New episodes of her greatest guilty pleasure. She wondered what other cities they were touring for new straight guys to make over. Scully turned her attention back to the vegetables she was chopping for dinner.  
  
She was just reaching over to snag her wine glass when the phone rang. Sighing, she toweled her hands and reached for the cordless. "Hey Scully, I just wanted to let you know I'm on my way, your mother isn't there yet is she?" In the background she heard the sound of a horn blaring angrily and a loud rendition of a choice obscenity from Mulder. "Uh, no, no they're not." Scully said and returned to the kitchen. Mulder was complaining in her ear as she pretended to listen, sipping merlot. "Uh huh, uh huh, no, the gunmen haven't arrived yet- Because I'm making them wear ties too- It'd better match Mulder- No, Mulder- Just, I'll see you soon." And she hung up, exasperated.  
  
It occurred to Scully that Mulder wasn't really good at any social function they had been to. Whether it be an F.B.I. function or a simple family dinner, her partner always arrived late, inappropriate attired, with little or nothing to say. He seldom cared enough to make his boredom and always made inopportune comments at inopportune moments. More often than not, Fox Mulder succeeded in truly embarrassing her. It had to end sometime, perhaps she would get around to telling all of this to her partner sometime in the near future.  
  
Dropping the phone on the counter, she popped a chunk of yellow pepper into her mouth and washed it down with the last of her wine. She went back to chopping just as she heard the announcement once again.  
  
"If you're in the D.C. metro area and think that the Fab 5 can help you-"  
  
Just as it cut to commercial, a truly insane idea popped into Special Agent Dana Scully's head. This would be a perfectly wonderful and virtually harmless way to pay her partner back for all of the ditchings and arguments and ruined Donna Karen suede pumps. Resigning herself to her choice, she logged onto her laptop and sent a very detailed email to info@thequeereye.com. Sitting back in her chair, Dana Scully laughed- a little sadistically.  
  
She laughed even harder when, a week later, she received a confirmation email telling her that the production staff would be glad to take on such a prestigious project.  
  
Three weeks after Scully's initial email, there was a rather hasty and enthusiastic knock at the door of apartment forty-two. Mulder's partner had warned him that something was afoot, as he could not go into the experience completely unprepared. She had also been sure to see to it that Mulder had caught a few episodes here and there. One episode had actually sparked a discussion about the decor in Mulder's bachelor pad.  
  
Scully had held a strange sort of delight with Mulder's delight over the show. Perhaps her plan could work out well for the both of them. Mulder would get new decor and Scully would get to see him suffer. Everybody would win- perhaps.  
  
The day before the fabulous five were to enter Mulder's life and change it for the better, Scully alluded to her plan. "Mulder, would it be alright if I stopped by tomorrow morning? I have a few files to drop off before I go to my mother's." She smiled, and turned away for a moment, attempting to make the self-made mirth in her eyes. "And a few friends might be stopping over."  
  
Mulder, however, was lost in his own world of college basketball and heard only every third word she said. "The guys are out of town." He changed the channel and lost himself in another program. Scully sighed a bit and stepped in front of the television. Hands on hips, she spoke. "I'm not talking about the guys Mulder- I'm talking about *special* guests." Although Scully made a grand attempt to play it cool, she allowed a hint of hilarity to slip into her voice. At the sound of it, Mulder raised his head.  
  
"Scully... that's something I usually say. What are you up to?" Sensing Mulder's apprehension, Scully moved to sit down aside her partner on the couch. He looked to her and then flicked the channel once more. "Hey, Scully! It's that gay show!" Mulder's excitement spurred his partner to speak. She began slowly.  
  
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about actually. I, uh... well what I'm trying to say..." Mulder's attention was now focused on her and he opened his eyes a tad wider to prompt her to finish what she was saying. Clearing her throat, she finished. "They're gonna be dropping by tomorrow."  
  
"Who... are gonna be dropping by tomorrow?" Scully smiled rather apologetically and let her eyes flit to the television. Mulder, wearing a terrified look, glanced at the TV as well, just as Carson's image appeared on the screen. His mouth dropped open just as his pupils dilated. Mulder turned back to Scully, stuttering.  
  
"You, you didn't. You couldn't." Mulder paused for a moment and Scully continued to smile. "Did you!?"  
  
Scully made a quick move to get off the couch at Mulder's stunned reaction. She wasn't exactly sure that Mulder would react as she had hoped. Walking briskly to the foyer she grabber her coat off of the eight ball and swung it over her shoulders. "Scully- Scully, you didn't, this is high profile shit. My face'd be all over television. Exposure that I'd just as soon avoid right now." Mulder sounded exasperated, which tickled Scully in ways she chose to ignore. "Well Mulder, there's next to nothing I can do now. I signed a waiver. But just think, you get to have a complete makeover and all for free!" Scully brought her hand up and gently slapped him on the cheek. "Live a little." She smiled again and in a few strides, made it to the door.  
  
"Usually you're the one who tells *me* to open my mind. See you in the morning." And in one fluid movement she was gone, leaving a confused and upset Mulder standing in her wake. 


	2. Homos in the House

Title: Queer Eye For the Fibbie Guy: Homos In The House  
  
Author: ScullyAsTrinity AKA Barenaked Bostonian  
  
Rating: R, for language and jokes.  
  
Category: Humor, crossover  
  
Summary: The Fab 5 meet the newest straight guy: Fox William Mulder.  
  
Thanks: To everyone who reviewed. Really. Thank you so, so, so MUCH!  
  
---  
  
Neither of them slept well that evening. Mulder was filled with nervous anticipation, as was Scully, but Scully continued to be tickled. She finally fell asleep somewhere in the vicinity of two in the morning, waking at six to get to Mulder's on time. She paid extra attention to her makeup. If she was to be on camera, she intended to look good. Mulder, however, woke only when he heard her loud knock at the door, pulling him from his reckless slumber.  
  
"Morning bright eyes!" She greeted, pushing her way past him and into his living room. Mulder stared for a moment into the hall, ran a hand through his ruffled hair and picked up the paper. "Morning to you too." Scully set two paper cups down on the coffee table and sat back, once again smiling. Mulder, still out of it, sat next to her on the soft leather and picked up a cup. "You will not appease me with Starbucks." He said and took a long sip from the cup. He closed his eyes for a brief moment of bliss. "Or I could be wrong."  
  
Scully was, at this point, entirely too happy with herself. Flipping Mulder a smug grin, she sent him off to the shower, leaving her in the silence of his living room. All too suddenly, she felt lonely, as if she didn't know what to do with herself. She was torn between making an attempt to tidy up his "war zone" or let it simmer. Resigning herself to waiting, she placed herself back on the couch and waited for Mulder to finish his cleansing routine. By the time Mulder finally sauntered into the room, Scully had browsed through most of Mulder's back issues of Sports Illustrated and made sure that his "adult reading" was conveniently out of site- in the wastebasket.  
  
Mulder discarded his towel on his desk chair and mussed his hair with both of his hands. Finally running his hands over his wrinkled tee-shirt, he slipped on his dirty sneakers and presented himself to his partner. The look on his face made it seem as if he was proud of himself, but Scully frowned. "What?" Mulder responded, almost feeling hurt, but waiting for her response. Again, Scully gave him the once over and he looked down to examine himself self-consciously. "Is this bad?" Looking over his shoulder, he checked out his backside, and looked back to Scully.  
  
Flippantly, she chuckled. "They're going to have a *field day* with you!"  
  
Suddenly, there was a violent knock at the door. From behind it came a muffled explanation. "Police! We have a warrant to gay up this apartment." Gleaming, Scully made her way to the door and swung it open enthusiastically. In front of her stood the five most popular gay men on the planet: the Fab Five. Their smiles matched her own. She stepped back to allow them into the apartment.  
  
Filing in one by one they all greeted Scully. Carson grasped both of Scully's hands and administered a kiss to each cheek. "You're a goddess to realize this boy needs help." He turned his flamboyant energy to Mulder. "And you! You are under arrest for..." He thought for a moment. "For conspiracy to... do this!" Gesturing with his hands he looked around the apartment. Kyan, who was standing behind him, nodded, and left to begin exploring the apartment.  
  
"Okay, what is this? Alright, see here, waterbeds went out with teased hair. This has to go." Thom said, cringing as he peeled back a layer of bedspread. He saw the condition of the fitted sheet underneath and cringed again. "We're gonna have to fix that."  
  
Back in the kitchen, Jai and Ted were sorting through the contents of Mulder's cabinets. The clutter was overwhelming in some, the sparseness surprising in others. Ted reached and pulled out a bent and battered strainer. "Oh look, apparently he drains his sheet metal in this as well." He tossed it into the large trash bag at his feet. Jai moved from the cabinets, obviously confused, to the refrigerator. He anticipated and was greeted with the worst. "October '97, he's living like a frat boy up in here. I'm surprised it hasn't fermented." Jai placed the bottle on the counter and moved over to Mulder's stove. It was caked with grease and grime. "Yeah, this is the worst kitchen yet." Ted said and tied the bag at his feet and threw it out the window. It hit the pavement with a loud clang.  
  
"Paaaaaar-tay!" Carson yelled from the foyer.  
  
Mulder was positively out of his mind with rage for Scully but was highly amused by the five men who had invaded his home. He could hear Scully speaking with Kyan in his bathroom. Sensing the amusement in her voice he maneuvered his way between the cameramen and the homosexuals until he could hear her more clearly.  
  
"Well he never really does anything with his hair, he either has the "Just Rolled Out Of Bed" look or the "I Think I'm Twenty Years Younger" look. It's impossible. It's too long, always hanging down into his eyes..." Kyan reached into Mulder's medicine cabinet as Scully looked on. "And economy size gel. The man has such wonderful hair too."  
  
Meanwhile, Thom had switched places with Kyan and Scully and was critiquing the bathroom. "It's surprising, this mildew has been here since the Nixon administration. Dana? Darling?" Scully came out of the bedroom and peered around the door. "Does he clean at all? Ever?" Thom lifted the toilet seat and peered into the bowl. He shrugged. "Better than most."  
  
"To tell you the truth, I don't think he has time to tidy up. I don't know where I find the time. We're always either in the office or out on a case." Scully's eyes traveled the walls and landed on the toilet bowl. "Better than most." Thom nodded while pulling the soiled yellow towels off of the towel rack. He tossed them in the wastebasket and washed his hands. "See, what we want to do with this place is bring a little more of him into this apartment. I think we're going to try and shy away from all of the earthy tones, okay? See, all this yellow, it's entirely too drab all at once. So we're gonna try and break it up a bit. Is there a color he's partial to?"  
  
Scully thought for a moment. "Well, he is red-green colorblind. So anything with any red or green tinge would be bad. I know he likes blue, and purple, he just doesn't know how to integrate the purple into..." She trailed off and gestured with her hands. Thom nodded.  
  
"Okay, we can do that... though integration rarely seems to work. Perhaps we should torch the place... and start fresh." Thom looked at the room skeptically and sighed. 


	3. And So It Begins

Title: Queer Eye For the Fibbie Guy: And So It Begins  
  
Author: ScullyAsTrinity AKA Barenaked Bostonian  
  
Rating: R, for language and jokes.  
  
Category: Humor, crossover  
  
Summary: The Fab 5 meet the newest straight guy: Fox William Mulder.  
  
---  
  
Mulder was in the bedroom with Carson as he sifted through the content of Mulder's closet. "How nice! Olive!" Carson took the offending blazer and tossed it onto the waterbed, the waterbed which held all of the trash that was to be disposed of. "Hmm... okay, the fifth charcoal suit. This has to go." Carson tossed Mulder's favorite suit on top of the growing mound. "Fox, you were blessed with a wonderful name... in the gay community that is. Let's work off of it." Carson pulled out a heap of gray tee shirts, and threw them over his shoulder, nary of where they landed. "I don't have a witty comment for the ob*scene* amount of gray you own." Mulder chuckled and Carson walked up to him and stroked his cheek. "For a man who has to wear a lot of suit, you have virtually none... that are acceptable to wear."  
  
As Jai was checking out Mulder's pornography collection that Scully had missed and admonishing him aloud, Thom has moved into the foyer. He was staring at Mulder's coat rack and toggling between liking it and hating it. As Thom was pointing it out to Ted, Mulder sauntered in and stepped in front of it. "No, this is not going anywhere. I don't care if you have to model the apartment around it." Ted simply looked a Thom, pursed his lips and walked away. "Touchy." Thom said and followed Ted into the kitchen.  
  
Mulder then realized that his bookshelves were being perused. He quickly joined Jai. As he read the titles, the gay man laughed. He looked at Mulder for a moment. "How To Be A Better Lover? The New Karma Sutra? You're big on the self help, aren't ya Fox?" Jai, rather amused by the blatant heterosexual theme to Mulder's literary tastes, laughed. "Boys! He's straight! He's very, very straight!" Mulder, who was slightly horrified, forced a laugh and walked away embarrassed as Jai began to pull books down and dispose of them.  
  
Kyan, who found it amusing that a man would actually buy a book entitled 'How To Be A Better Lover', was questioning Mulder's ability to score on such a tacky and worn leather couch. He made a point to insist that Thom do something about it. Not surprisingly, Thom had noticed and assured Kyan that it would be taken care of.  
  
Ted began gesturing to the grease-spattered walls and the decrepit "pot caddy" that was suspended from the ceiling. "The man-" Ted said rather headedly, "Is living in the 80's." Thom laughed, just as Carson, who was finally fed up with Mulder's extensive collection of gray, entered the kitchen. "Darling, so is his closet. I say we forego the shopping and such and just-" He picked up a rather flamboyant neon yellow pan and tossed it out the open window. "Just torch the place. Thom, who had said the same not five minute before, began laughing harder.  
  
Scully, attracted by all the laughing, walked into the kitchen. Mulder soon followed her. "What's so funny?" He inquired, smiling reflexively. Scully, sensing what was coming, hid the grin that was crawling up on her cheeks with the back of her hand.  
  
"Well, we were wondering if this was a lost cause." Jai supplied, training his eyes on Mulder and subtlety checking him out. Crossing his arms, Mulder took on a defensive position. Quickly, he tried to make eye contact with Scully and enlist her help, but she was far too interested in a Chinese food menu that was posted haphazardly on Mulder's refrigerator. Either she was interested in the various kinds of egg fu yung or she was avoiding eye contact with her partner.  
  
He directed his attention back to the men.  
  
Carson was picking bits of dust off of his Cashmere sweater. Absent mindedly, he spoke. "You can't stay a bachelor forever." He looked up, smiled and went back to picking at his sweater. "But it's time to get her out of here!" Carson said suddenly, and shocked Scully by gently pushing her towards the door. The five other men followed at the duo made their way to the door.  
  
"We'll see you later dear! We'll try to keep him out of trouble." Carson winked in a rather come-hither way and shut the door in Scully's face. Checking Mulder out, he grabbed his bicep. "The fox has done good for himself. Now let's see what we can dig up for him at Barney's."  
  
"I've got business to attend to as well boys!" Kyan said and moved to stand next to Carson. Thom took the keys from his pocket and moved past all three of them to the door. "As do I boys, and I'm driving!" Thom waved and winked at Jai and Ted and disappeared through the door. Carson made a grand gesture of making sure his own ass looked good as he made his way towards the door. He paused only to let Mulder through and checked out the agent's ass as well.  
  
Laughing, Ted shut the door and went to work in the kitchen. 


	4. Piqued Interest

Title: Piqued Interest  
  
Author: ScullyAsTrinity AKA Barenaked Bostonian  
  
Rating: R, for language and jokes.  
  
Category: Humor, crossover  
  
Summary: The Fab 5 meet the newest straight guy: Fox William Mulder.  
  
---  
  
Thom, Kyan, Carson and Mulder pulled out into the busy weekday traffic that D.C. generally had to offer. Carson looked at himself and the review mirror and fixed his hair.  
  
"Alright, Thom, I'm dropping you and Foxy here off at Pier 1 and I'll be by to pick him up later. Carson, I'm just going to leave you on a corner and let you fend for yourself. See what you can pick up." The men laughed and Carson shot Kyan a rather wounded look. "Thanks doll, I'll be sure to pay you back for that." As per usual, the men jumped out of the car and ran on their merry ways as Kyan pulled the large, lumbering Suburban back into traffic.  
  
Thom was all too excited to take Mulder into Pier 1. Once inside, Mulder was taken aback by the furniture he was presented with. It was all so modern, so hip, so-not him. As he followed Thom through the lines of chairs and sofas, he reached his hand out to test the textures and knew that it was indeed going to be a long day. First, his attention was drawn to a rather large, plush blood-red chair. Mulder was highly surprised to find that he actually like the chair and didn't recoil when Thom said he was going to use it in the treatment of the room. "This really isn't what I had in mind." Mulder muttered under his breath and followed the other man over to where they had a wicker display set up.  
  
He was then taken around the store, pointing out different things and having his ideas shot down. Mulder thought that at the least, he should have some say in what his apartment looked like, but Thom had different ideas. Between the two, they chose out a new black sofa, end tables, wall treatments as well as assets for the bedroom.  
  
One bed in particular caught Mulder's eye and the other man picked up on it immediately. "You like that?" Mulder nodded and made his way over to the bed. It was simple, a plush mattress with a pine backing and block pine base. Strikingly simple and yet modern. Kyan smiled and patted Mulder on the back. "You done good G-Man." Mulder smiled as well and turned. "Except- not with these sheets. I like blue better." Mulder said and left Thom to ponder over Mulder's sudden style imput.  
  
While his tutor was off chatting with the manager of the store, Mulder was checking out a line of furniture in deep oak. The end tables had billiard balls set deep into the enamel and were covered by glass. They were stylish and yet tasteful and Mulder noticed that they would look rather nice with the sofa. Quite proud of himself, Mulder strutted over to show Thom. "I. Want. These." Mulder said rather forcefully and grinned. Thom, who knew he had taken severe liberties with Mulder's ideas gave in, and picked up the slip for the tables.  
  
After Thom was done with Mulder, Carson caught up with them on the corner. Carson, who was all too happy to be shopping grabbed Mulder's pocket and tugged him along. "Let's go foxy. Time's a wasting. We'll see you later Thom dear!"  
  
Mulder's spirit was slowly dwindling as Carson shoved him forcefully through the doors of Diesel.  
  
- 


	5. If the Shoe Fits

While Carson began picking out things for Mulder to wear, Thom, Kyan and Ted were going to town on Mulder's apartment. Paint was going up and pictures were coming down. Mulder's bathroom was being totally gutted, and movers were coming in and removing the waterbed.  
  
Carson brought Mulder over to the display of all the different washes. "Now," Carson announced clearing his throat. "From what I saw of your closet, you wear really tight jeans and that has to stop. So what we have here are the different varieties and washes of jeans, which you can mix and match which is great. So you can just go ahead and pick out some of the styles you like. And remember we're going to a more relaxed look. It's okay to be tights aroud the tush, but we want relaxed legs."  
  
Mulder began to file through the denim. First he chose a dark washes pair ad held them out. Carson admired his choice. "These are great, they're Cardiel and see here?" Carson turned the pair around so they could see the rear. "This assymmetrical back will draw attention to you backside. Not that you need anymore." Carson quickly checked out Mulder's ass and winked.  
  
Mulder found another pair and showed it to his tutor. "These are good too. The Rigby has a really relaxed figure but it has the big back pockets, which makes the whole jeans just look more, you know, hot." Mulder laughed and smiled, and Carson reached over and picked out a few other pairs and threw them directly at Mulder's face. He caught them and allowed himself to be steered over to the fitting rooms.  
  
After a rather long period of time in the room, Carson ran over to the door. "You need help in there Foxy?" He then dropped to his knees and looked under the door. "I'm good!" Mulder yelled and was caught in the process of checking his own ass out in the mirror. "Ohhhh, those look good!" Carson said giddily as he layed on the floor. "Get out!" Mulder said laughing.  
  
Stepping out a moment later, Carson admired the fit and said that his ass looked positively hot in that particular pair. Mulder retreated to the little room and tried on the other pairs which had been chosen for him. Once done, they paid for the clothes and Carson took Mulder on a mad dash over to Sax Fifth Avenue.  
  
Mulder, being the incompetant shopped that he was, had never been in the classy department store and took a moment to rearrange himself. "Come on!!!" Carson said and jumped up and down giddily. Mulder sighed, but smiled and followed him towards the back of the store where they took the escalator up to the men's department.  
  
"Okay, we're really here to get you not only some work clothes, but some, you know, some fun clothes as well." He clapped his hads together and gestured to the colorfully arranged button downs that we hanging on the wall. Carson tilted his head from side to side and pulled out three brightly color shirts. "Here." He placed them judiciously into Mulder's arms and grabbed a blue sweater. "Cute!"  
  
"See, here, Foxy, you're really well toned and, oh!" He grabbed Mulder's bicep causing Mulder to jump a bit. "As I was saying, you're well toned and we want to bring that out with some *tasteful* but *tight* tee-shirts. Black would look good, so..." He pulled down a thin black shirt with a small pocket over the right pec. He also grabbed a rust colored shirt and a bright blue tee-shirt. "Now! Let's go find some suits."  
  
Mulder found it quite odd that Carson was more excited that he was, though Carson was shopping for someone else.  
  
After another hour or so of Mulder trying on suits, pants and a plethora of other things like belts and hats and glasses, they were done and took their purchases to the counter. 


	6. Shave and a Haircut

An hour and a half later, Mulder was passed off to Kyan to have his hair cut. Naturally he was taken to a salon that he wouldn't have even considered before. Once seated in the chair, he met Cecile and began to fidget. Cecile was middle aged and wearing enough makeup to qualify as a cast member of Fosse.  
  
Mulder was apprehensive but Kyan settled him down and explained to the hairdresser exactly what Mulder was going for. "Okay, Fox here has really think hair," he ran his hand through it and continued to speak. "And he uses a lot of gel and mousse in it. He's an agent of the government so we want something a little more tame, but something that's also hip."  
  
Once Cecile was finished Mulder stood and she kissed him on both cheeks, unsettling him a bit. Kyan did the same and the duo left the salon. "Wow, that looks great. Much more sophisticated. Got rid of the 'just rolled out of bed look.' I think she'll like it." Mulder was taken by surprise. Who would like it... Scully? He didn't know how to respond so he shrugged it off and admired his new do in the windows of stores. It was close cropped but with bangs that hung down on his forehead.  
  
"She's a cute little thing." Kyan said, winking and nudging him on the arm. "And she's got a PhD... that's talent." Mulder's mind was running at a mile a minute thinking of all the other adjectives that suited Scully much better, several of them X rated. Snapping out of his reverie and narrowly avoiding slamming his groin into a parking meter, he changed the subject.  
  
They were walking down the sidewalk at a very fast pace. It bordered on trotting. Mulder caught a glimpse of himself once again in the window and realized two very important things: 1.) He looked hot, and 2.) This trotting was entirely too gay for him to handle. He stopped 'trotting' and settled on a brisk walk, very proud of himself.  
  
Soon the duo reached Pennsylvania Avenue and were met by Ted. "Wow, now that looks sophisticated. Did he cry when the cut it?" The two gay men laughed, and Mulder, suddenly knocked off of his pedestal managed to conjure up a smile. "It looks really good, especially the bangs. Maybe we shouldn't take him back to see Carson." Ted said.  
  
After a few more moments of off-camera chatting, Ted and Mulder took off once again, this time, in a van.  
  
The next store they visited was a fine foods shop. Inside, Ted asked an important question. "What are some of her favorite foods? Delicasies perhaps." Mulder was nonplussed.  
  
"Uhhh..."  
  
"You are doing this for her I mean... from bachelor pad to... oh... oh I see. Okay. Not on camera... alllllllll right!" Ted threw his arm around Mulder's shoulder and turned so that they weren't on camera. "So this is for her right?"  
  
Mulder was silent for a moment and thought over what he really wanted to say. "I'd like this all to mean something to her, yes. I want to let her know that... that she's... very important... to me." Ted laughed.  
  
"Eloquently put. And I take it, since you two have worked together for so long you must know some of her favorite foods." Ted was hopeful, but wouldn't be too surprised if Mulder said no.  
  
"Well, I know she likes salmon, and has some sort of addiction to portabella mushrooms." He smiled triumphantly. Though he had a photographic memory, most times when Scully was eating his attention was not focused on the food but on the mouth that was consuming the food.  
  
"Excellent! Now we're going to need a wine... and the makings of dessert. You up for it?" He elbowed Mulder, who was suddenly inspired.  
  
Thinking to himself 'I'm up for anything now' he nodded and smiled and joined Ted at the counter. 


	7. Waiting

While all of this was occurring, Scully was a complete nervous wreck. She would sit down on her couch just to get up moments later, pace around her apartment and repeat the cycle. She was both nervous and excited, and she couldn't really wait to see the outcome of her 'project.'  
  
She was extremely nervous for the sole reason that she had realized just after she had been forced out of Mulder's apartment, that Mulder would most likely be very testy with her for doing what she did. He kept his work and life tightly guarded, and now it was going to unfold for millions of viewers on national television.  
  
She had called her mother earlier in the day. Maggie had been skeptical but hadn't come right out and said it. Scully could hear it in her voice. She had hung up with her mother feeling empty and sick to her stomach. She had made a great attempt to fix herself something to eat, but looking at the food only made her find a detestable level of contempt for herself.  
  
When her phone rang, she jumped. Walking over to it, she bit her lip and allowed her hand to hover over the receiver. On the fourth ring, she quickly picked up.  
  
"Ah, hello?" Scully answered, her voice wavering. She swallowed deeply and audibly and bit her lip once more.  
  
"Dana, they'll be ready for you in about two hours. So if you could be here around six, that'd be great." The producer said to her, his voice sounding hurried and utterly important.  
  
"Okay but-"  
  
"Great doll, we'll so you then. Ciao!" The utterly important voice was replaced by utterly unimportant silence that only served to heighten her distain for the situation. Her lip was beginning to hurt, so she stopped biting it, and sucked on it instead. Scully thought it would be smart to take her mind off of the situation at hand, so she went to the kitchen and made another sandwich.  
  
Her mind began to wander and she was faced with deciding if what she had gone and done was a betrayal of the trust that they had taken so long to establish. By the time she returned to the present, she had made five turkey sandwiches, all perfectly assembled, and all looking at her like they were disgusted with her. She saran wrapped them and made her way to the bathroom.  
  
Maybe a shower would do her good... 


	8. Homeward Bound

['Ello everyone! I just wanted to really and truly thank everyone that has sent me feedback. Every time I bread it, it makes my day. You're all so amazing. Really. So I'm giving you the chance to give me input on how this should turn out. What do YOU want to happen? Reply please. And again, all you reviewers really rock. Thanks so much.]  
  
Mulder was being brought back to his apartment, and as was standard, was forced to be more excited than he actually felt. Rather than being over the mood about his new pad and threads, he had a vague sick feeling nesting in the pit of his stomach.  
  
He had purchased new clothing, new home wear and was having his apartment redecorated at no cost, and yet the notion of evil government conspiracies continued to plague his mind. He thought that perhaps this entire set up was a conspiracy, but figured that the conspirators could not possibly pull off 'flamboyant' in quite the way a *real* gay man could. He was relieved for a moment, and then weirded out when he realized he had just made the assumption that his possible conspirators were gay... and possibly spying on him in the shower.  
  
He smiled, grimaced, and then shook his head, wondering why his mind was playing such games with him. Feeling like he had just drank a gallon of DayQuil and had been slapped in the face by a rather large trout, he coughed, sputtered and opened the window of the SUV.  
  
"Foxy hasn't talked in awhile. Cat got your tongue?" Carson attempted to be sleek by running his hand down Mulder's arm and slapping Ted on the shoulder. Ah, there was the sick feeling again.  
  
Noticing how Mulder was looking a bit green, he changed the topic of conversation. "So, this Dana, what's between the two of you?" The car went silent as the three men waited for his answer.  
  
Mulder cleared his throat and began to formulate an adequate answer. "Uh, she's just my partner."  
  
"Well, are you what they're hanging out standard issue these days?" Carson poked fun and was able to draw a laugh out of everyone.  
  
If Carson hit on him once more, he was going to vomit. Ted was busy raving about the basil that he found and Mulder was just about to snap. Not freak out snap, pull out his gun and start going to town. That's how miffed he was. Pulling around the corner to his apartment, Mulder vaguely registered Carson asking him if he was excited. Feigning a smile, he claimed he was, and the three other men went about chatting about how 'ab fab' the place had to have turned out.  
  
What he didn't know is that while he was feeling rather nauseous, Scully was doubled over in her shower stall attempting to grasp the slippery soap, dropping it, repeating the process and telling herself how absolutely stupid she was (he also didn't know that she had run out of shampoo and had to walk to her kitchen naked to get some, but either way... he didn't know).  
  
Bags were shoved into his hands as four pairs of legs marched up the stone steps to the apartment foyer. It took the gang three minutes to make it up to the apartment, with minor elevator troubles. Once outside his door, Ted took the bags from Mulder's hands and Carson clamped his hands over his eyes. Mulder was getting the sense that Carson simply liked touching him. The icky-weirdness he felt began to duke it out with the nausea for precedence.  
  
The ickiness was winning as his sweaty palm came out to grasp the doorknob. He turned, heard the click of the latch letting go... and held his breath. 


	9. Seeing The Light

It was like a holy light shined down upon him as he opened the door of his apartment. Everything was different... everything.  
  
To begin with, the wall between his kitchen and "dining room" had receded. Or was almost completely gone. That was the first thing that hit him. He wondered if that was even *allowed*... he did rent. Flabberghasted as he was, he allowed himself a moment to calm down. He took another *very* deep breath, and smiled. The other men were smiling as well, patting him on the back and directing his attention to various points around the room.  
  
The walls, which before, were cream, were now factioned into a tandom checkboard pattern. All over the place, colors were splashed and integrated with other colors. It was amazing, the depth the colors gave to the rather small room. They had kept his old coffee table, but had it refinished and put a black border around it. They had bought new chairs, a la 1940.  
  
Candles in retro holders were placed around the room and on the new black bookcases. The bookcases scaled to the ceiling and gave the impression of height. Mulder quickly noticed that his "special reading" was nowhere in sight. He also realized that his old psychology books and articles from college were arranged neatly on their own shelf. He smiled but felt a pang of lonliness for his pornography and wondered if later, he could salvage it from the dumpster.  
  
They steered his attention to the living room, which Thom refered to his "not so bachelor pad." The new couch was firmly in place, but this time to the left of the windows. The windows were clad in tasteful green curtains, and the 'pool ball' coffee tables flanked them. There were more candles in that particular room, and Mulder cringed for a moment. Weren't candles girly? Didn't they smell like flowers, and make the room all smoky, and...  
  
"Aren't these candles great? I found the retro holders at this great place downtown called Variable X and they were really reasonable priced. So were these candles. They're made of natural beeswax and smell faintly like vanilla. They're great for mood light or just relaxing, but look here." He pointed to the coffee tables and the 'pool ball' candles there. Those were cute, he thought those were cute-  
  
No cute... awesome. He thought they were really. Awesome. Not cute. Mulder shook his head and berated himself for thinking in 'not so manly' terms. He was then led into the kitchen, which had been completely redecorated and switched completely around.  
  
The double windows were gone, fused into one window. The window framings were black and white, to match the black and white checkerboard effect in the floor. He wanted to scuff his shoes on the new linoleum, but he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the floor... and thought that it was too pretty to dirty up. Suddenly, a vision of himself in a French Maid's uniform, feather duster in hand popped into his head. He shook it off and admired the new copper cookware that Ted had bought him.  
  
His sink had been cleaned and refinished, and his refrigerator door had been unhinged and replaced. He was getting a bit giddy at all of the new stuff they had bought him. It *did* look impressive but-  
  
"And off to the bedroom we go!" Thom said. He came up and slipped his arm through Mulder's and marched him towards the 'jungle of love' as Carson had deemed it... 


	10. Finishing Touches

After Mulder had seen all of his apartment, the Fab Five made him put on a fashion show. Jai was particularly impressed with the way he pulled off the bright colored suits. Carson, as usual, was interested in how his butt filled out the jeans they bought.  
  
Carson showed Mulder how to iron, and explained to him what a hamper was, a previously unknown word to Mulder.  
  
Kyan then led him to the bathroom. Mulder became a bit confused at the whole texturizer/gel/cleanser scenario, and made a mental note to write all of the things down once the camera was off of him. Kyan showed him the right way to shave. "Slowly, with care. Your face is not a shrub." He also went through a tutorial on how to cleanse and apply product to his hair.  
  
In the kitchen, Ted was a tad leery on leaving Mulder on his own to cook. "Contrary to what people may think I'm actually quite a good cook when I have someone to cook for." Ted smiled. "That's good b because we're going to do a grilled salmon with crab stuffed portabella mushrooms. Think you can handle that?" Mulder nodded and Ted went about showing him how to prepare dinner.  
  
Mulder did succeed in slicing his pointer finger with a knife as he tried to fillet the salmon, but other than that, everything was right as rain. They began on how to make dessert, which was to be a pumpkin cheesecake.  
  
Once that was completed, Jai called everyone into the living room. Ted brought the drinks, martinis. "Well Fox, just remember that tonight is going to be about showing her how much you care. Now, I know you can't really *do* anything on camera," he whispered "But there are other ways, once the camera is off." Mulder blushed and laughed a bit, but raised his glass in a toast.  
  
"I'm not very good at this but... here goes. Though this wasn't my idea, it was my lovely partner's idea. I learned alot from you guys, and I hope the benefits are... anyway, I just want to thank you guys. The Fab Five... for making me... a better... person."  
  
They all drank and at last Carson said "What he lacks in eloquence, he makes up for it in looks." He smacked his ass one last time. 


	11. A Nervous Wreck

Scully jumped into her cars and thrust her keys into the ignition with so much force that her hand slipped off and she smacked the side of the steering wheel.  
  
"DAMN IT! See what I go through for you Mulder?" Violently, she turned the key in the ignition and was met with the pleasant thrumming of the engine. About to pull away from the curb, she realized that she had forgotten to put on makeup, and that she was going to be on camera. She also chose to completely ignore the fact that she was indeed the one who had gotten the two of them into the situation.  
  
Leaping from the car, she bolted up the stairs to her apartment, as if she was chasing a perp. Finding her seldom used makeup bag, she grabbed it, sending a tube of lipstick spinning into the bathtub. What had possessed her to buy 'Perfect Coral' in the first place? Like Mulder, she berated herself (but didn't spend long minutes harping on it) and got back in the car.  
  
Luckily, she got four red lights on the way to Mulder's apartment, allowing her enough time to perfect her cosmetic coup. She admired her hasty job in the rearview mirror, catching the eye of the man in the car behind her, who was giving her the finger. She realized that the light was green and stepped on the gas, giving the man the finger as he sped by on her right.  
  
She pushed the car to seventy, speeding in the right lane, and flicking the radio on. She wondered for a moment why she was so upset with herself. Her thoughts melted away as she began to singing along to 'If I Had A Million Dollars' and she bobbed her head as she weaved in and out of lanes of traffic. Her government stickers allowed her to get away with driving the way she did.  
  
It took her only forty minutes to arrive at Mulder's. Though it took her twenty to get up the nerve to walk to the door and knock. 


	12. Spiffied Up

Once the Fab 5 had left, Mulder stood in a daze in the middle of his living room. He was soaking it all in, slowly. He mourned for all of this old things for a moment, things that he never would have been able to bring himself about to throw away. He mourned his porn once more, for the upteenth time. He heaved a grief laden sigh... and got over it.  
  
Then he smiled, a bright quirky smile and began to whistle a hearty tune. He had his apartment made over! And it hadn't cost a dime! It looked amazing too! He was impressed with the way things had come off. His anger towards Scully was beginning to slide away, and was being replaced with anticipation at seeing her. He wondered briefly what time it was. He glanced at the wall clock and realized that he had only two hours to go about getting everything perfect. He rubbed his hands together in the way in which a man who had a grand, master plan to set about employing... and went to work.  
  
Though he was a pretty ignorant guy, he knew he shouldn't cook anything with clean clothes on. That being the case, he had his way to the kitchen and took the neccessary dinner ingredients out of the now-filled refrigerator. He was sure to aquaint himself with the kitchen before he began.  
  
First, he began to prepared the mushroom. He worked slowly this time, so that he wouldn't injure himself again. After a torturous twenty-five minutes, he picked up the pan and made his way over to the oven (which Mulder had miraculously remembered to preheat), but on the way, he stumbled (as he caught his reflection in the clean linoleum floor) and three of the mushroom caps tumbled off and *splatted* directly on the image of his face.  
  
After uttering a few choice obsenities, he shoved the pan into the over and set about cleaning the floor... but not before stepping in the mess... twice.  
  
After he was all cleaned up, he took out the salmon and, again, slowly began to fillet the fish. Mulder completed cutting it, and marinaded and breaded the fish just as the mushrooms finished baking. Quite proud of himself, he took the appetizers out, but was in a quandry as to where to put them. At first he thought he might put them in the microwave, but remembered the hot plate that Ted showed him. He pulled it out and set the plate down. He resumed with the finishing touches on the fish and put that in the on the counter. He reached under the counter and pulled out his George Foreman grill... the one new contraption that he knew how to handle.  
  
He placed the fillets down on the face and shut the top. He looked at the time, smiled once, and danced his way over to the refrigerator to begin making dessert. He found this surprisingly easy. Once everything had been mixed, and a minimal amount of batter selfishly ingested, he popped the non- stick-shiny-new cake pan into the oven.  
  
Ten minutes later he realized that he hadn't turned down the oven and rushed to fix his mishap. All was well once his little slip up was caught.  
  
Like a good boy he put all of his ingredients away and even washed the dishes he had dirtied. With a hip check he shut the door to his refrigerator and danced his way into the bathroom to get ready.  
  
A moment later he danced back into the living room, did a twirl, turned on his radio and waltzed back into the bathroom.  
  
He pulled off his pants, and knowing that he'd be on camera, he folded them haphazardly and placed them on the toilet. He thanked the underwear gods that he had put on a good pair of boxers that morning. He could still hear the music as he soaped himself with the Dove that Kyan had bought him. He did enjoy the scent, he couldn't lie to himself.  
  
As he listened to the music and shampooed his hair, he hummed to himself. He felt quite happy, even if this was a completely random situation which he would have been pissed at had it happened to him at a different time and had he-  
  
He swore when he got shampoo in his eyes. He washed it out.  
  
After conditioning, he set up his facial products around him. He cleansed, slowly, remembering that his face was not indeed a carpet, as Kyan had mentioned that he thought... he thought. Next, he pulled out his razor and applied a bit of creme to his face. Slowly, so slowly, he shaved his cheeks, chin and neck. Amazingly, he came off without a nick.  
  
He toweled off and made his way into the bedroom to dress. He searched through his closet and inhaled the fresh scent deeply. His closet hadn't smelled that was in... forever. He extracted a green cable knit sweater and a pair of chinos with a belt. He laid them on the bed and pulled out a new pair of boxer briefs.  
  
He dressed and then admired himself in the mirror. Damn fine, he looked damn fine or so he though. Spiffy and new, he set the table handsomely for two. He put the wine in the wine bucket like he was supposed to, he even folded the napkins like he remembered his mother doing.  
  
Back in the Fab Five loft the guys were impressed enough to overlook his mushroom mishap. Ted was particularly impressed that he remembered to breathe the wine.  
  
As he heard the faint knock on his front door. He jogged to it, but stopped suddenly. He turned around, jogged to the bedroom... and put on his glasses. 


	13. The Finished Product

Scully looked down at the floor of the dimly lit hallway and wrung her hands. This was going to be very bad, very very bad indeed. Sighing, and wringing her hands some more for good measure, she bit her lips and wondered what was taking Mulder so long to answer his door.  
  
She heard the click of the door unlocking and quickly smoothed her hair. Putting on an expectant smile she looked up, only to be greeted to the sight of Mulder in his glasses. It took all of her carefully composed willpower not to turn to a puddle of luke warm Scully goo on Mulder's ugly hallway floor. She managed a greeting. "H-Hi." And she smiled, that half- expectant half skeptical smiled that she wore when Mulder would sheepishly present her with a new case.  
  
"Hello yourself." Ha! He knew it, he knew what he was doing to her and he liked it. Charmingly, he smiled and praised the gay gods and his lovely partner for giving his life this makeover. Grasping her hand in his newly manicured one, he pulled her inside, relishing the warmth of her body as it accidentally brushed his. Truth is, Scully had lost control of nearly all of her motor functions and was doing all that she could not to stare directly at him.  
  
"I like, the sweater's nice." She managed to spit out, quite proud of herself. She reached up with her left hand and felt the fabric, but was more interesting in the muscles underneath. He smiled and thanked her and she asked him to show him around his new "pad." Mulder led her by the hand into the living room and began explaing what Thom had done to it. She pretended to ignore the cameras that were following them around.  
  
"And look at the couch. Isn't it great? I gotta say, I loved my leather one, but this one, ah, you gotta sit on it." Scully smiled and sat down next to Mulder on the couch. She was surprised, it did feel very comfortable. She bounced a bit and a thought bubbled into her heaf. 'No Dana, that's for the bed.' The thought startled her, and he face began to blush over. Mulder caught sight of it and asked her what was wrong. "Oh, nothing, I'm just amazed at what those guys did. It's really... it's really something." She averted her eyes and commented on the end tables.  
  
"Yeah, those are awesome too. I picked out those myself." He smiled in a way that a three-year old would smile if he had just been given a cookie. His eyes lit up and his laugh lines pulled back and he looked ten years younger. Scully swooned a bit.  
  
"Let me show you the bedroom!" Mulder exclaimed and quickly popped up from the couch. 'Oh please do.' Scully thought anxiously, and with a slight feeling of dread and a fake smile, followed her partner into his bedroom. She was astonished at the color change. And the bed looked positively inviting. He drew her attention to the closet, which was bigger than it had been before. "Yeah, Thom expanded on the place. Hey! Look! Three pairs of dress shoes. Pretty spiffy eh?" He elbowed her in the ribs, which did cause her to laugh genuinely. Before he could think to do otherwise, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and showed her the rest of the apartment.  
  
She was particularly taken with the bathroom. The mildew was gone and the toilet had been cleaned. The walls had been redone and were no longer somber yellow and black but blue. She was impressed with the candles and with the tasteful condition of the bookcase. While she was inspecting the array of literature on the shelves, Mulder quietly brought out the food and placed it on a tray by the table.  
  
The jazz lilting from the stereo masked the sounds that he made as he placed a new table cloth and two candlesticks atop the table. He found the candles which were purchased for the occasion and put them in the holders and then arranged the food on the table.  
  
"'The Manchurian Candidate Mulder? I-?" She turned around to find Mulder lighting the candles. She smiled shyly, and looked at the floor. Mulder smiled lovingly when she met his eyes and walked slowly towards her. When he was mere inches in front of her, he spoke. "What do you think?" He asked, clasping each of her hands in each of his own.  
  
"I think-" Scully began, looking down at their hands and smiling shyly again. "That this is the only part of you I never knew. And now I know." Standing on tip toes, she brushed her lips against his cheek. Slyly, she whispered into his ear, "Hopefully there'll be more where that came from later."  
  
He smiled coyly, and she allowed herself to be led into the dining room. She couldn't help but be astonished with her own brashness. Proud, and feeling sultry, she allowed Mulder to help her into her seat. "So, what did you make?" She inquired, slightly skeptical once more.  
  
Mulder smirked and told her. "Grilled salmon with crab stuffed portabella mushrooms." He left her to go to the kitchen and retrieve the wine. When he returned, she wore a quirky grin. "That's one of my favorites." She said, making a mental note to reward him for such consideration later.  
  
"I know." He replied simply and set about to filling their glasses. Once he finished, he sat down beside her and made a toast.  
  
"To the Fab 5 for giving me this great new pad." He said pad in a quirky voice, causing Scully to raise a brow, and causing Mulder to continue. "And to the new me, which will hopefully result in... the new us." Her smile faded and she looked into his eyes. Clinking their glasses together, they stared at one another for some time until Mulder looked away and began serving the food.  
  
Dessert followed dinner and a lethargic silence followed dessert... on the couch. The two agents talked for a time, poured themselves another glass of wine and talked of the decor...  
  
And the couture. 


	14. Epilogue

Epilogue  
  
A pair of pants, unfolded, lay strewn on the back of the brand new living room couch. Dishes littered the table. The candles that had been lit were nearly the end of their wick and the room was basked in a warm glow.  
  
There were two pairs of shoes strewn about the floor. A pair of boxers lay on top of a discarded skirt. A shirt was flung haphazardly over the fishtank, the fish peeking out from either side of the fabric.  
  
An empty wine bottle was toppled over on top of the coffee table. Two glasses stood empty next to the bottle, which was now rolling slowly towards the edge of the table. It hit the floor with a loud thud, but did not break.  
  
A soft groan came from the floor. "As nice as that once, I think I killed my back." Fox Mulder wore a grimace of pain that he attempted to smile through. A similar groan was uttered by his partner, who was lying directly next to him, naked save for a quilt which was draped carelessly over her small frame.  
  
"Urh, who knew we'd be THAT frantic?" She said, caressing her back. Mulder nodded, and winced and began to rub his own back. "At least this is a new rug." He replied, his attempt at optimism failing. Scully rolled over and smiled down at her partner.  
  
"I'm quite glad that I called them. Things seemed to work out quite well, although very surprising." She leaned down and kissed his ear and sighing. He sighed along with her, ignoring the ache in his back just long enough to join her in a moment of peace. Scully laid back down, but Mulder reached over and twined her hand with his. He brought it to his mouth and kissed it, then letting their hands fall back to the floor with a dull thud.  
  
"See, but what I find ironic..." Mulder said, rolling over and nipping at Scully's neck, "Is that it took five gay men to finally get us into bed... or the... floor. Whatever."  
  
--- THE END!... or IS IT!?!?! Dun, dun, dun...  
  
Thank you to all of you who replied to my story. It really gave me the juice to keep me going. You may not think that authors really take those comments to heart, but I do. I really thank you all. 


	15. All Across America

[To PixieDustBunny, NIIIIICE idea doll!]  
  
It was late. Later than he had been up in a long time. Time away and early morning had made him an advocate of 'early to bed, early to rise.' Now, he was rather happy that he didn't stay up late at night. There was nothing to do. The only thing on was the news, and he wasn't sure if he had the patience to wait for Conan, the only truly amusing late night personality.  
  
Now, Bill Scully reclined in the worn blue recliner. Pissed off. As usual. The finger that was pressing the 'channel up' button was getting sore. He had been channel surfing for fifteen minutes. It was official, there was nothing on. He got up from the seat and dropped the clicker on the seat.  
  
He quickly and quietly made his way into the kitchen and flooded the room in warm, yellow light. He stretched and yawned and padded over to the fridge. His left arm leaned on the door as he peered inside. Leftovers, pickles, yogurt, cheese... leftovers it was. He pulled out the cold chicken and two Bud Lights and went back into the living room.  
  
Like the true American male, he popped the beer open and downed half the bottle before eating the chicken. He wished he was relaxed, but even after two weeks off, he was still high strung and ready to snap.  
  
He pulled the clicked out from underneath him and began clicking again. If something wasn't decided on soon he was going to throw the clicker out the window.  
  
As he blazed through the channels at light speed, he passed over what looked to be his sister, talking with a blonde haired man. Amused at the thought of a new actress that looked like Dana, he flipped back.  
  
It was that new makeover show. The one where they make over the person and their house. With the five guys. The five gay guys. For a man who had never known or seen a gay man, Bill Scully found Queer Eye For The Straight Guy intensely amusing. He settled in a bit more and tore off another piece of chicken.  
  
The program went to commercial with Carson gasping as he looked inside the man's closet. Bill laughed. Poor schmucks and their girlfriends who went onto that show. Pathetic. But Bill was slightly jealous of the guys. They got free duds for their house. They impressed their wives with someone else's money. He chugged the rest of his beer and popped open another one.  
  
The program came back from commercial and Bill Scully was put face to... image of...  
  
Fox William Mulder. Get made over by the Fab 5 and his sister was in attendance. He chocked on his beer. He sputtered it up all over the Navy shirt he was wearing. Standing up, he knocked what was left of the chicken to the floor. He finished his beer however, and dropped that alongside the plate.  
  
His sister, was on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, with that sorry excuse for a human being? Did that mean... did that mean they were together.  
  
Bill Scully swore at the top of his lungs. He swore and swore and swore.  
  
It was 11:21. 


	16. Late Nights, Hard Times

...click...click...  
  
Click, click, click, click.  
  
Fox Mulder was channel surfing. It had become a pastime of his when he had adopted insomnia as his own. No wonder insomniacs were so agitated, there was nothing on this late at night.  
  
Suddenly, he passed over Bravo and heard a voice he recognized. It was Scully! He stopped, and sat up, shaking the lethargy that had settled in his body.  
  
He was surprised, Scully looked good on television. Really good. He got caught up in his thoughts for a moment but dismissed him when he came into the shot.  
  
Damn, he looked good. The jeans that he was wearing made his butt look... he looked better than Scully. He admired himself for a moment and remembered that he had indeed undergone a transformation after that. He wondered how he would look after the makeover and perked up a bit.  
  
Mulder was attentive as the five gay men proceeded to make fun of him and his way of life and became a bit dismal. He wasn't quite sure what was wrong with his life before... but he was grateful for anything that got Scully into his bed. Or... on this floor more specifically.  
  
He laughed at some antics, cringed at others, but applauded himself on his choices of furniture.  
  
On commercial he went into his newly renovated kitchen and got himself a glass of orange juice. Orange juice that, for once, hadn't gone bad. He felt smug for a moment as he poured the juice into a glass, rather than drinking from the carton. He was a reformed man.  
  
Mighty, he walked back into the living room and plopped himself back down on the couch. Even with his new, comfy bed, he still slept on the couch. His bed felt big and lonely without his partner in it, so he only used it when she was over.  
  
The show came back on and Mulder caught his first of the transformed... him. And damn he knew he looked good, but that good? He choked on his orange juice a bit and thought that it was no wonder that Scully would want to get with him after all of that. He looked hot, hotter than he thought he could look. He wondered if he looked like that every day, and if so, why more women weren't throwing themselves at him. He pushed the thought aside when he realized that it was rude of him to think like that when he was thoroughly in love and had the one person he needed throwing herself at him.  
  
He smiled. He was happy, in love... and getting some. Yes, after The Fab Five had worked their magic on him, he had begun to get thoroughly laid. He was very appreciative to them, and wondered if he should perhaps send them a thank you card of some sort.  
  
The show ended and Mulder found the clicker (which he was of course, sitting on) and sent the room back into the darkness once more. A bit more relaxed than he was before, he laid back down on the new posturepedic couch. He sighed and blinked and attempted to sleep.  
  
Suddenly, in the dark once more, he realized the blinking red light on his answering machine and got up once more. Moving over to it slowly, he pressed the 'play' button and listened. For a few seconds there was nothing but clicking, and Mulder's paranoia kicked in a bit.  
  
Then he heard her voice.  
  
"Mulder... uh... we have a problem... you see... uh, Bill he..." 


End file.
